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Channeling Grandpappy Frostheim March 26, 2011

Posted by Stormy in General Whinging, Moar Ranting, Sweating Bullet Points.

(As promised, an open letter to the hunters of Azeroth.)

Gather ’round, my hunter brethren. Drop your guns and bows in the rack over there, would you? There’s some fresh meat and fruit over there in the corner for your pets. Let’s set a spell and talk, shall we?

I spent the first year of my time in Azeroth as a hunter. For months I traversed the rolling plains of Mulgore, the lush gardens of Un’goro Crater and the desolate wasteland of Desolace with my trusty bird by my side. I was invincible, not to mention uncommonly good-looking. My bird and I could take on any foe, fill it full of hot lead, and go on our merry way with a hearty laugh and a mug o’ stout. All was well until I got on to about my fortieth season, when the trolls of Revantusk Village sent me in to conquer the mighty troll city, Jintha’Alor. I fought off trolls and wolves by the dozen, confident in my skills with my bow and my bond with my bird…until I met the baddest of the bad, the meanest, ugliest troll witch I’ve ever seen in my life. I fought her and her bodyguards for hours, and had more meetings with the spirit healer than any one man should ever have. I cried out to my compatriots, “Help me!” The mighty death knight Thanael rode in on his trusty steed to my aid, took one look at what I was doing, and chuckled. “LOL UR DOIN IT WRONG.”

Well, he didn’t exactly say “UR DOIN IT WRONG.” He’s Canadian, y’see, and Canadians don’t talk like that. But the message was clear: everything I knew about hunting was wrong. My pulling technique was totally wrong, my trusty bird wasn’t the right pet for the job, and the bow my teacher had given me was woefully underpowered and out-of-date. I shudder to think what other citizens of Azeroth would have said if they had seen me. They would have pointed and laughed, and called me a huntard.

Don’t do it, friends. Don’t be a huntard.

  • Use the right pet for the right job. When you’re soloing, your pet functions as your tank. Before you start shooting at a mob, send in your pet and let him build some threat, then start shooting. For soloing, you’ll want a tenacity pet like a turtle or a crocolisk. In an instance you have a tank to do that job for you, so you’ll want to go with a ferocity pet. When I zone into an instance as a tank and see you rockin’ your turtle, I get a little sad inside.
  • Speaking of pets, your pet is your best friend. She’ll be with you through thick and thin, through smacking down little critters in Mulgore to taking on the vilest of the vile, Cho’gall, Magmaw and the like. She’ll never backtalk you, she’ll never abandon you (though you can abandon her, if you like. Just don’t do it in the streets of Dalaran like I did with my tallstrider a while back.) Treat her with some respect. Give her a dignified name. Other citizens of Azeroth will pass judgment on you instantly based on the name you choose to give your pet. Make it a good one.
  • One last little note on pets: when you have a pet, you’ll get a special little toolbar in your user interface just for your pet. It houses all your pet’s abilities. When you’re in an instance, you’ll want to point your little mouse-clicker over to two of those buttons in your pet bar: first and foremost, make sure you click the button marked “defensive” to put your pet in a defensive stance. If you have it set to “aggressive,” it’s going to run around and piss off all the mobs in the place, and you’ll die. No one wants that. Second, there’s a box marked “growl”. Growl is what your pet uses to piss off other mobs. Turn that off, too, please.
  • Hi! I’m the one wearing the plate metal and standing in front of you, soaking up all the damage so you don’t die. Yes, I have a healer using the power of the Light to keep me alive, but she can only do so for so long (mana is not an infinite resource, y’see). In other words, I’m the tank. Let me tank, please. I decide what to pull and when, not you. If you run ahead of me and pull more mobs, there’s a good chance you’re going to die, and there’s a good chance you’re going to deserve it.
  • A few months back, that blasted dragon Deathwing came to town and set everything on fire. We were all so traumatized by the events of the Cataclysm that it seems we all fell asleep for several years and awoke in a magical new world. For us hunters, the biggest fallout for us is that we got dumber. In other words, we don’t need intellect on our gear anymore. It doesn’t do us any good. So why, dear hunter friends, are you rolling
    “need” on cloth gear with intellect? Give that to the pretty little mage over there, and let’s talk gear. If something drops and it’s made of chainmail (“mail,” for short!) and has a metric ton-and-a-half of agility on it, it’s yours! It’s specially tailor-made for you, my hunter friend, and you look uncommonly good in it. For Pete’s sake, stop rolling on cloth, leather, plate, and anything with intellect, strength, or spirit on it.
  • A sporebat is the best pet. For the DPS. Because you’re l33t. It makes rogues bleed from their anus. <–That there is an inside joke. Us hunters have some of those, because we’re a community. When you see another hunter in Azeroth, say a hearty “Hullo!” and offer your aid. Us hunters have to stick together, y’see. We’re the most-maligned and most-universally-reviled class in WoW, and it’s our duty as a community to help each other out, become better at what we do, and throw off the shackles of the term “huntard.” Being uncommonly good looking isn’t enough. We have to be good.

I think that’s enough to get you started in the ways of the hunter. Strap on your weapons, gather up your furry friends, and sally forth into the wilds of Azeroth. Wear that agility-laden mail proudly, drink a little too much once in a while, and when you look in the mirror and see that uncommonly good-looking face, tell yourself: “I’m a good hunter.”



1. redcow - March 29, 2011

Something about your last bullet point reminded me of Alamo’s “durids is always frends”. Have you considered adding some hunter-y pictures with hilarious misspelled captions to your letter? 🙂

2. Gwenhyvar - April 6, 2011

Well said! I quite enjoyed that read. WTB more female dwarf hunters! 🙂

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